Nomology - Lesson 6 Fast Links to the sections of this chapter
Marriage defined
In the earliest moments of human history, God established a principle which we have come to call marriage. As a creation ordinance, it was introduced before the fall of mankind into sin and is therefore not a redemptive ordinance and consequently should not be limited to just some parts of humanity or history. From its revelation to Adam, to the final day of judgment, one man and one woman may be joined into this special unity. Marriage is part of the created moral order. Its purpose and definition is given in Genesis 2:18-25.
The basic defining element of marriage is not a ceremony but a solemn agreement between a man and a woman to become one flesh. Jesus recognized this same union as described in Genesis as still the foundation of marriage in his era. Matthew 19:5-6
In some, non-physical, sense God reveals that these two individuals become one. Jesus was very precise in the finality of this union in Mark 10. The context makes this clear. Mark 10:6-9
It is clear that monogamy is the only ordained mode of marriage in the eyes of God. Multiple partners would violate this relationship as God ordained it. Any sexual relationship between any other than the one partner is considered a disruption of the principle of two becoming one. This will be addressed further in sections 5 and 6 on divorce. This means that if married persons are separated or divorced for reasons other than those God recognizes, they sin against this bond of unity if they re-marry or engage in a sexual relationship with someone other than their original partner. Polygamy is never sanctioned or approved in the Bible. While it is true that some Old Testament champions of the biblical faith had multiple wives, it is never presented as acceptable in the eyes of God. No comment is made in most of these cases. Polygamy is first mentioned in Genesis 4:19 as something practiced by Lamech, a descendent of Cain. The sins of the kings and patriarchs were often simply recorded in Scripture as historical facts without moral commentary. That they engaged in having multiple spouses is not sufficient grounds to eliminate the clear formulation given by God directly in the establishment of the marriage bond. This formulation in Genesis 2 makes it clear that marriage is the normal state for man. Remaining unmarried is not immoral, but it should be considered a special circumstance as the New Testament later describes it. Some are specially called to remain single. Jesus explained this exception to the rule to his disciples. Matthew 19
Paul was single yet he clearly wrote that marriage is the only answer for those who are not able to exercise self-control sexually. 1 Corinthians 7
The burning Paul mentions is not related to the fires of judgment, but to the burning lusts in a person's heart. If a single person is unable to remain sexually pure, both inwardly as well as outwardly, then that person should not resist marriage which is God's ordained means for satisfying these kinds of bodily and emotional desires. This marriage principle, as stated in Genesis 2, clearly rules out same-sex marriages. Homosexuality is directly forbidden in Scripture as a sin. It is not as an alternative life-style or mere genetic configuration. It is beyond dispute that in the Bible marriage is only allowed between one man and one woman.
The confession summarizes the biblical purposes of marriage under three basic headings. One is the principle of mutual help between spouses. The second is procreation which increases mankind and the family of God. The third is sexual morality by which our human sexual desires are satisfied in a way agreeable with how our Creator made us to live.
Spouses are to be helpers of one another
Helper is not a degrading term. It does not make the person helping into a person of lesser importance. In the Bible, God is often called our helper.
Woman as helper to her husband is no more a slave to man, than God is to us. Genesis calls her a helper suitable for (corresponding to) him (similar to him), yet she is different than him in certain ways. There is a mutual need that is expressed in Scripture. Both the man and the woman need one another. 1 Corinthians 11:11 says that neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. Though the basic responsibility of mutual help extends to both spouses there are specific ways by which each partner is to provide that help. God makes a gender distinction in our domestic duties. The duties of husbands in marriage
Colossians 3
Ephesians 5
In these passages the husband is directed to care for his wife lovingly following the model given to us by the love Jesus Christ has for his church. To know how the man is to love his wife, he needs to know more about how his Savior loves him as a part of his church.
1. Jesus Christ's love for his church is self-sacrificing
Jesus suffered when he came to redeem his people. He set aside the display of his heavenly glories to take on a finite human body and soul. He went through the pains and indignities of growing up, being disliked and rejected, being persecuted, wrongly accused of crimes and put to a disgraceful and torturous death. He took the place of his unfaithful bride, the church. He took on the horrors of the cross which his bride deserved, and died the death she deserved. He did all this out of love. His pain and agony were not illusions. They were taken on voluntarily. He did it all in a dramatic display of what constitutes true love. The words by Samuel J. Stone in The Church's One Foundation describe it so well ...
The Apostle Paul described this love in Philippians 2:7-8
After the last supper, before His arrest in Gethsemane, Jesus taught his disciples about love. In John 15:13-14 he said,
I've always appreciated this amazing story.
As the train rumbled across a bridge in Ohio, the train lurched and suddenly their seats and the floor fell away from under them. Passengers were tossed around inside the car as the bridge that supported them crumbled into pieces. The train and its people were dropped into the ravine sixty feet below. When the pieces came to rest at the bottom, fires broke out. The few surviving passengers scrambled to find a way out of the flaming wreckage. Philip found a broken window nearby and he squeezed himself through. Free of the wreckage he began to search for his wife. Horrified, he realized she was still trapped inside! Without hesitating for his own safety he returned to the wreckage to rescue her. While inside he became trapped by the fire and they both perished. A total of one hundred passengers died that December day. Philip was only 38 years old when he died. He was a Christian. His full name was Philip P. Bliss, a well-known hymn writer. Many of his hymns are found in our present hymnals. When his trunk was pulled from the wreckage of the train they found in it a yet unpublished song Philip had recently written. Today we know it by the title, I Will Sing of My Redeemer. Its a song about the self-sacrificing love of Jesus Christ for his people:
Unlike our Savior who gave himself for us, Philip wasn't able to save his wife. But his love for her was so deep that he gave his own life trying to help her. The godly love of Christ-like headship doesn't love for self-benefit. Its driving objective is the true well being of the one loved. For us, Christ laid aside the display of his own divine glory, to suffer in agony to save his bride.
2. Jesus Christ's love for his church provides for her true needs.
After the fall in Eden the curses God pronounced, which would flow out of the sin condition, describe struggles to be experienced by both the wife and the husband. (For details see our study of the results of sin and the curses in Syllabus unit 3 on Objective Soteriology, lesson 1 on Man's Fall Into Sin.) Eve's struggle would be two-fold. She will struggle with pain in childbirth and in bringing forth children. The language includes the raising of her children. Secondly she will struggle in her subjection to her husband. Adam's struggle would be in brining forth daily provisions from the earth. That's the responsibility God therefore particularly assigned to men. Of course there are exceptions and times when a man isn't able to work or when the woman is physically unable to carry out her domestic duties in raising the children. In those situations, godly husbands and wives lovingly do all they can to help meet the family's needs, yet without neglecting the responsibilities God has specially given them. Those are very hard times for any man or woman. They need the support and encouragement of the whole Christian community. But the general rule is: Men must make sure their family has its provisions and the woman must take care in rearing the children in the home. Ordinarily, the man's work is to provide for himself and his family. It perverts that duty when his regular labor becomes more important than those he cares for. He must never become so greedy of money, power or position that, beyond meeting their needs, he neglects providing for them spiritually. The godly husband is concerned for the spiritual health of his wife and family. Jesus' love moved him to build up his church in her relationship with God. Ephesians 5:26-27 shows that he came ...
Jesus prayed for his bride and purified her by paying the penalty of sin in her place. He made her able to live God's way by giving her spiritual life. He was an example to her by his whole life. That should be the godly husband's concern toward his wife. He should see that she has every opportunity to grow in grace. Jesus is able to change the heart of His bride. That's something a husband can't do. But he may draw down the power of Christ by the means of grace.
3. Jesus Christ's love for his church is tender and caring
We humans instinctively care for our own physical health. When you're hungry or thirsty you instinctively look for food or drink. When you're injured you instinctively try to treat the wound. When you're cold you instinctively look for a way to get warm. When you're hot you instinctively look for shade. Husbands should care for their wives as instinctively and with as much care as he by nature gives to his own body. In Genesis we are told that when two are married they become one flesh. This real union is reflected in the tenderness a husband shows to his wife. The words nourishment and care stir up a picture of the gentle care a mother gives to her baby. She loves it dearly and watches over it, as if it was her greatest treasure.
This verse is often mis-used to teach that women are by nature weaker than men. First, that's not what it says. The words mean that she is to be treated as one would treat a valuable but fragile vase. Not that she is but a fragile vase. Second, any man who knows what women go through can't possibly believe that she is weak in every sense. While the average woman may not have the strength in her arms or legs as that of the average man, she if far from weak. Her body has a whole cycle of demands to prepare her for bearing children. She endures a heavy demand from her responsibilities in the home. She has strong emotions specially suited to her duties as mother and wife. Her strengths lie in different areas than those of men. God equips us each with what we need to accomplish our callings. But a wife is to be treated tenderly and with the same care one would give to an art-form that is very fragile and valuable. This tender care of Jesus is never overbearing. Our Lord isn't a slavemaster driving his church oppressively. He blesses her by using her gifts and talents to accomplish his work. He tells us that he knows her weaknesses and her need for comfort so that his encouragement is always appropriate. This is the model every godly husband must follow as he leads his home.
4. Jesus Christ's love for his church moves him to listen to her
Jesus became human to assure us that he understands our needs. And he tells us that when we to pray to him at any time he hears us. Often men and women face different experiences in life and deal with different problems. God equips them with different sets of emotional strengths and sensitivities for their jobs. This means that sometimes "men just don't seem to get it" when women speak. And women don't seem to be tuned into the same station the men are on. But setting all our worldly excuses aside, husbands -- Its your duty to understand your wives. You need to listen carefully and be ready to find out what she means by what she says. That's a big job! But God commands husbands to understand their wives.
5. Jesus Christ's love for his church is assuring
Wives may be thinking, "Yeah! If my husband loved me the way he should I would find it easier to be in subjection to him!" That's probably true. But its not an excuse from biblical subjection. Their responsibility doesn't depend on how successful the husband is in his duties. And husbands may think, "Well, if my wife was more encouraging and submissive I might find it easier to love her and understand her as I should." That's also probably true. But its does not excuse the man from loving leadership. His responsibility doesn't depend on how successful his wife is in her duties. Husbands may feel discouraged and ask: "How can I live up to such a high standard? How can I, as weak as I am, learn to be a loving leader toward my imperfect family? And how can I help them feel secure and assured?" Be encouraged men. There is hope. And its a sure source of help. You too are loved by Christ. You are a bride, the one for whom Christ died. He has sanctified you and has given himself up for you. You are one of those he nourishes and cherishes. You are his body. Your source of help is in your Savior, Jesus Christ. No human called to leadership is ever perfect in this life; no parent, no husband, no church officer, no civil leader. There is nothing that excuses you from the standards God sets for you. But no one is left to accomplish his high calling on his own. The godly husband points his family to Christ's promises, not to his own fallible abilities. As anyone in the church must do in all things God calls us to, the husband must press on in his calling as leader in the home, in spite of his own struggles and short-comings. As Paul wrote,
The husband must be an example to his wife and children of humility, repentance, and subjection to Christ. He must demonstrate confidence that his hope doesn't rest in his own accomplishments or abilities, but in those of Jesus Christ. Don't let your children or wife think you expect perfection in them. But let them know you expect humble subjection to Christ. You will love them in Christ when they do well, as well as when they sin or fail. You need to remember that Christ loves you on the same conditions. To accomplish this you must strive to understand each member of your family as Jesus understands each person in his church. And you must do so with the confidence that Jesus understood you when he called you by his providence to the duties of leadership in the home. Your confidence will convey to them the source of assurance they need in meeting the challenges in their own lives. We direct them to Jesus Christ, our hope and strength who cannot fail.
6. Jesus Christ's love for his church is unquenchable
The Bible tells us that Christ came to seek and to save that which was lost. He did not come to redeem those who in some way were already found worthy. Colossians 3:19 says that husbands are not to become embittered against their wives. The Greek word used here for embittered is pikraino. There was a plant familiar then called Botanae Pikrain Ekhousa meaning a bitter tasting plant. The use of this same word here means that husbands should not get a bitter taste toward their wives. Don't be at odds with her. Remember that in marriage you are one flesh! The biblical model for the husband is a humbling thing to study. We are to love our wives as Christ loves his church! Husbands, this is a very special kind of love.
Though man was created first, he was incomplete until God made the woman from his flesh. God said that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Nothing in all of creation was a suitable helper for him, so God made woman from man's own body. Sadly the biblical role of woman has been horribly distorted through the effects of sin. On the one hand, some have degraded women as if they were inferior or of less value and importance than men. They have often been denied basic protections and treated as lowly servants. On the other hand, others have reacted to that abuse with yet another distortion. They shame women about the role God has given them and have attempted to remove the distinctions between the sexes which God established. The biblical place of the woman in the family is honorable, important and vital. Paul summarized it in two of his letters to the churches. Colossians 3
Ephesians 5
In writing his letters of instruction to Pastors Titus and Timothy, Paul further showed the responsibilities of women in the church.
Peter also wrote about the role of women in his general letter to the churches.
There is one idea that is common to every one of these passages. God commands women to be in subjection to their husbands. The idea of submissiveness is a general principle God built into his creation. The word translated as be subject is hupotasso. Its used 41 times in the New Testament. It simply means "submit to", "obey", "be in subjection to." But in Scripture its clear that the idea of submission is not just for wives. The idea of submission applies in various ways to all humans. In Ephesians 5:21 we are all told to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 1 Peter 5:5 tells young men to be subject to their elders. Hebrews 13:17 commands believers to be subject to the elders of their own church. In Romans 8:7 we are all told to be in subjection to God's law. Then in Romans 13:1-5 all citizens are commanded to be in subjection to the leaders God has placed over them in government. Six times in 1 Corinthians 15 Paul explains that all things will be made subject to Christ. Even Jesus was in subjection to his earthly parents when he was a child (Luke 2:51). As God the Son, Jesus was subject to the Heavenly Father who sent him (John 5:30, 1 Corinthians 11:3). And Jesus Christ is said to have headship over every man, as the man is head over the woman. Obviously submissiveness must not mean what many think it does today. Clearly, considering these examples, the general idea of submissiveness can't include enslavement or inferiority. The word has to do with duties and responsibilities, not with lower importance or lesser personal value. God created an orderly world to reflect his own orderliness. This means that someone has to be held responsible for leadership and others are expected to follow that leadership. Headship is not as much a privilege as it is an assignment from God. Equally important is the duty of supporting those called to lead. It doesn't make the supporters less important. It simply means that they have different duties. Citizens are the reason civil leaders have been called to hold office and enforce the laws. The purpose of leadership is to provide for the citizens. In the church, the members are the reason God calls elders and deacons to be leaders. They are to oversee and serve for the benefit of those in the congregation. Similarly in the home, the wife and children are the ones for whom husbands and fathers are called to headship. God made all things the way he did so that they display his own nature and promote his holy principles in the world. Certainly there is no inferiority among the members of the Trinity. Jesus is not inferior to God the Father. But in his work of redemption God the Son is in subjection to the Father's decrees. It shows a division of work in the Trinity, but not a difference in value or importance. Order and structure, headship and submission, are a part of God's creation order. To preserve the Creator's intent the submissive wife is not to be thought of as inferior to her husband. Women do not have a lower standing than men. They are not their husbands' slaves. But they have different duties and responsibilities before God. God has often assigned groups of humans different duties. He only allowed the family of Levi to be tabernacle priests. He only called certain families to be Kings. Levites weren't better than Kings, nor Kings than Levites. God simply gave them different duties. In the same way God calls men and women to different duties in the home. God did not design the home to be in chaos. Its not the most dominant personality that should run things. God gave the male that responsibility. The female is to be in subjection to his duty of leadership. Its the wife's responsibility to be submissive to her husband. It's not the husband's duty or right to make her submissive. Husbands who use force or violence or humiliation to subdue their wives violate clear biblical principles. The wife's subjection to the husband is limited by only one thing, God's higher authority. No one in a leadership role can command us to disobey God. No husband has the authority to command his wife to do what God forbids, nor to make her neglect any duties God commands. Colossians 3:18 shows that her submission is "as is fitting in the Lord." The husband abuses his authority if he commands what is not delegated to him. God's word is the standard that defines all headship and obedience. Yet, if a wife must disobey her husband in order to obey God's clear commands she must do it with love, humility, and respect. Her goal is always to let the fruit of the Holy Spirit be seen in her life. No one can be required to disobey God. As Acts 5:29 says, we must obey God rather than man. But not with defiance. The wife needs to submit in her attitudes as well as in her actions. A grudging submission will not do.
The Amplified Bible puts it this way: She is to notice, regard, honor, prefer, esteem, praise, and admire her husband exceedingly. The wife's attitude in the home, before her children, her neighbors and friends, should demonstrate respect and godly submission. To her children, she is their primary example of how they should respect leadership. Children who have a distorted example of structure in the home will often struggle all their lives with submission to authority. Her attitude ought to show that she is satisfied with her position as wife. Not covetous of the job God gave her husband, not envious of his responsibility of headship willing to let him do his job, and to help him to do it well. The wife is not only to be in subjection to her husband. She is also to be his helper in a unique way. Adam's loneliness couldn't be satisfied by anything else in creation, so God said, "I will make him a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18). Woman, as helper to her husband, is no more a slave to man, than God is to us when he is our help as seen in ...
Certainly Helper can't be a degrading term if God is called our helper! Genesis calls the woman a helper suitable for (corresponding to) the man from whom she was made. That means she is similar to him, yet different. They need one another.
The wife, though in subjection to a husband, has a great ministry in her home, church and community. She does not live only for her husband. She doesn't have to deny or suppress her own intellect or her creativity. In Ephesians 5 Paul compares the headship of the husband to the wife with the headship of Jesus and the church. Similarly the submission of the church to her Lord is like that of the wife to the husband. Our Savior fully uses the talents and efforts of his people and helps them improve their service to him. In that same way a godly husband should treasure his wife's insights, talents and abilities and the wife ought to put her talents, ideas, abilities, and resources to work for the good of her family. God made them to work together and to complete one another. The wife ought to lovingly share her ideas and opinions while respecting the responsibility God has given to her husband as head of the home. She should not argue to get her own way and should never belittle her husband. The two are made into one in marriage and should be team players striving for the goal of mutual growth in Christ. There is great freedom within the boundaries appointed by God. Proverbs 31:10-31 is the classic passage about the virtuous woman. It shows an active woman who is creative and talented, certainly not a mere domestic slave. The wife "works with her hands in delight" (31:13). This reminds us or our Lord's work. In the Messianic Psalm 40, the Messiah says that he delighted to do the Father's work (verse 9). In John 4:34 Jesus tells us that his service to the Father was his food. In this same way the wife should be a helper to her husband in the home, working with joy in her heart to be about the business her Heavenly Father called her to do. It tells us that she becomes involved in hard labor, makes investments and is creative. But she never lets these things hinder her work as helper. She never neglects to ease her husband's burdens and put her home's needs first. She makes the home a safe place, a place of encouragement, comfort, understanding and refuge. She keeps the home in order and clean so that her family will have a comfortable, healthy place to live and do their work. This doesn't mean she makes her home an immaculate, uncomfortable, showplace to pridefully show off her own talents. She keeps it all in balance. The house and its order is for the people, not the people for the house. Dr. Francis Schaeffer's wife Edith said, "People are more important than things" Therefore she doesn't let her care for the home, its furnishings or decor, make those who live there feel like slaves to the things. Wives shouldn't become so obsessed with housework or decorating that the spiritual needs of her home and family are neglected. There are times when getting the dishes or laundry done are not the most important things. Yet they should not be put off unwisely either. Women in the home need to be examples of balanced living. Men need to appreciate the difficulty involved in maintaining this balance. The Bible lays great stress on the vital importance of wives:
Proverbs 31
The role of the wife may be difficult, but it is vital to the health of the home, and of society as the aggregate of our homes. There will be chaos if women rebel against the authority God has set over them in the home. If mothers fail to be examples of respectful and godly submission in the home, her children will grow up greatly handicapped in the way they handle authority. But if the wife is growing in fulfilling her duties as God has outlined them, her home, husband and children will be growing into Christ-likeness too. Her home will be a place of peace, patience and mutual respect. It will be a refuge from the world, not a tense, ugly place where the children can't wait to leave. The confusion of today's world sets itself against this biblical model. We have good news, the gospel in all its fullness. We are to present it by word and example to all God brings to us as friends and co-workers. We need to expose the distortion of this proper kind of submission and order. The results of the abandonment of the biblical model are sadly displayed all around us. Homes and marriages are deteriorating, some are already destroyed. Communities hate authority. We see wickedness growing on our streets, in our schools and in the world as a whole. The former places of safety and security are fading away. Families are in tense turmoil. If our society is to be turned around, if our homes are to be safe again, women, as godly wives, can make the difference. One of the first commands given to the first human couple was that they should be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth (Genesis 1:28). The very next thing God told the first parents was that they should subdue the earth and rule over the creatures in it. It's clear that God was pleased for people to produce children for the purpose of continuing to display the his glory and dominion in the world he made. The covenant people of Israel and the New Testament church were both assured that by their children they would be blessed and that their offspring were recipients of the promise made in the divine covenant (Acts 2:39 compared with Isaiah 44:3).
There are those in our world today who discourage the birth of children. This often causes the ones who have more resources available to them to reduce their numbers, while the more dependent populations tend grow. This shift in family values has encouraged abortions and limited conception primarily among those who have the means to do so. The same trend has encouraged a state supported proliferation of single-parent families among those not as well advantaged to meet their own needs and to contribute to the care of the needy in society. The question of birth control in our modern age has often been obscured by principles that are at odds with the ones God has given us in his word. The issue of family size is often driven by financial constraints and a desire to work more, have more, and to be more free for personal time. Families in the covenant community of the true church are often strongly influenced by these worldly values at the expense of the importance of raising godly children to influence the world by representing the glory of God. Marriage is the God ordered place for children to be conceived and raised. The joint duties of fathers and mothers are best carried out when both are present. The most advantaged child is not the one raised in a home where fewer children have produced more material things for each one. It's the one raised in a home committed to the principles given in Scripture for husbands and wives fulfilling their duties as godly parents. The Christian community has a duty to oppose abortion, which is nothing less than murder. We ought to help those faced with unwanted pregnancies to know the joy of bringing a child into the world and raising him in a Christian environment. Often the help of other believers is crucial and is best accomplished within the organization of the local church, which is God's established agency for helping the needy. Where there is only one parent, the other members of the church need to help him or her in meeting the children's needs and promoting godly marriages where it is possible. Parenting is a great responsibility and challenge. Some parents don't seem to grasp the awesome job they've been given. Some become overly demanding and cruel to their children as they try to learn about life. Others neglect godly discipline of their children and never teach right from wrong. Some don't even make sure their kids know the Bible or are involved in church. In Colossians 3:20 the Apostle explained the duties of children toward their parents in the home. Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. This is a commandment with a purpose and a promise. The reason children should obey and honor their parents is that its a way to please the Lord. The promise is that children who follow this principle will be greatly blessed in this life. The 5th Commandment says, Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you. In the next verse in Colossians 3 a word of instruction is given to the Fathers:
Similarly in Ephesians 6:4 Paul wrote:
This warning is mainly directed to fathers. Colossians 3:18-19 said that God made them to be the heads of the home. Fathers are held responsible for the atmosphere in which the whole family lives. They should set the home policies and the boundaries, not so that they get their way, but so that God's ways are honored and loved in the home. Therefore he is to make sure that all in the home can reach their full joy and potential in the Lord. Ephesians 5:23 says that he must oversee his home with the same love and unselfish care that Christ shows as he oversees the church as its Good Shepherd. Men who are tyrants in the home, or who become self-serving masters, defy God's law. They bring judgment upon themselves and deeply hurt their families. Good intentions are never enough in leadership. As loving leaders, whose concern is for those they lead, Fathers must responsibly represent God's tender love, care and provision toward those for whom he is held accountable. And he is responsible for the child's care. But he's foolish if he thinks he can do it best all by himself. God showed Adam that he was incomplete by himself. He needed a helper, a counter-part. Eve was made to be that helper, even as in the Psalms the Lord is said to be our helper. In Genesis 3, when sin darkened men's souls, God told Adam that as a result men would be assigned to struggle in hard labor for the provisions their families need. There would be the thorns and thistles that sometimes make their work very demanding. In the same curse, God said that the woman's struggle would be related to her family duties. Genesis 3:16 explains that the woman's difficulty will be in child-bearing, which includes child-raising, and in her difficulty in being in rightful subjection to her always imperfect husband. This is never an easy duty. So wise fathers should encourage the mothers to contribute their special skills in the home. Therefore the wives and mothers are not excluded from the demands of Colossians 3:21. Fathers and mothers should work together to raise their children. Mothers are often the most regular influence on their children by their daily care while the father is engaged in his duties of providing for the family's material needs. In Titus 2:4-5 there is encouragement to the wives about their duties:
Notice the qualities these mothers in the home are to have ...
The 4th quality is specially interesting in our age: they are to be workers at home. Modern social and economic pressures place contrary demands on women. They find it harder to remain at home as God's word commands. But their God-given duties remain. they are told by God to be workers at home. Similarly in 1 Timothy 5:14 God's word says,
This cannot be limited to some cultural issue for one era or another. Its the way the Creator designed the home to operate. Its how he displays his own nature, and ensures a godly society. In Proverbs 31 the ideal wife is very productive and creative. She makes and sells clothing, supplies belts to traders (:24). She considers a field, buys it, plants it (:16), but never does she neglect her own home duties while she does this work. She makes sure her family is well clothed, fed, and the children raised well. If mothers take on outside jobs and duties they must be very creative and diligent so that they can keep up their first duty to the home and family. The busy mother described in Proverbs 31, is still the one her children praise and honor (:28). The children generally remember their mothers as the ones who fed them, dressed them, picked up after them and taught them. Just as the church is more visible to the world than Christ, her Head, mothers are often more visible to the children than the husband who is the head of the home. It ought not be that the headship of the father is invisible. But that his instructions are dispensed most of the time through the mother. This cooperation is the essence of biblical parenting. Parents are warned not to exasperate their children. The word Paul uses for exasperate is erethitzo. It means to provoke or irritate someone, or to embitter them. In Ephesians 6:4 he uses a different word to warn us not to provoke our children. Parents, in their discipline and raising of their children, need to be careful so that they don't discourage them, or provoke them to bitterness. Children easily become exasperated by poor parenting. This can show itself in the errors of: cruelty, permissiveness and inconsistency. Cruelty is exasperating to children. This is when parental authority is abused. It's a perversion of discipline. Some see every disobedience as an open challenge to their authority. Consequently they make overly rigid rules or flaunt their authority becoming tyrants instead of caring parents. They make inappropriate punishments with big penalties for minor infractions. They often fail to listen to the child or fail to understand what they are struggling with instead of helping them find better ways to deal with their problems. In their own self-centered insecurity, they think that anything less than a quick harsh punishment shows weakness. This attitude fails to understand the fallen human nature as God describes it in his word. Children, like adults, are only sinners saved by grace. The harsh approach tries to force children to behave a certain way by coercion. It fails to teach them the real importance of godly behavior and attitudes. They learn to avoid punishments, but not to live to please God in all things. They don't learn how sad it is to offend those who love us so. Children need our help. This certainly includes correction and appropriate punishments. But they also need our patience and tenderness by word and example, even as we correct them. We need to take special caution in the use of physical punishments. The Book of Proverbs shows that God approves this type of correction:
But the issue in these and similar verses is the importance of correcting the child. The use of the rod is not singled out as the one recommended means. It is mentioned in the sense that, as the common way of inflicting punishments, it should not be neglected if parents are truly concerned that a child will learn to avoid behavior that is wrong and harmful to him. In the full context of Scripture the rod is not presented as our main parenting tool. In fact, in most situations other forms of punishment are far better for teaching the principles that children need to learn. Dr. Hendriksen wisely points out,
God himself teaches us more by his mercy and instruction than by direct punishments. The rod is not a cure all. It's a last resort when diligent attempts to teach and encourage fail, when other forms of punishment have been ineffective to the point where the offense is so great and bold, that the child's safety, physically and morally, requires it. If we are successful with our instruction and encouragement and plan appropriate punishments which we consistently carry out we may never need to use corporal punishment at all. Sometimes parents become cruel because of a desperate fear of personal failure. They lash out at the child out of personal frustration or embarrassment. But Proverbs shows that even a properly raised children may rebel.
There are examples in the Bible where godly parents grieve over rebellious children. There is no evidence given in those cases that the parents had failed to be good parents. There are no perfect parents. Its vain and foolish to imagine you can be one. A parent is at fault only if he has not prayerfully tried to discipline biblically. The child who is raised well, bears his own blame. There are no perfect ways for a parent to discipline that will remove the fallen nature of a child. Only our perfect Savior could accomplish that and apply it to us by grace. Cruelty comes in many forms. It may be harmful or harsh words, physical abuse, or bringing emotional stresses and pressures upon the child. Sometimes parents are cruel because they expect too much too soon. Even our God tells us that it takes time to mature as Christians. So we should be like our Heavenly Father's example and be longsuffering as we follow and teach his ways. Cruelty can be exasperating to a child, and provoke him to hatred instead of stimulating him to love and good works. Hebrews 10:24 is a good guide for parenting as well as for all believers ...
Permissiveness is another sure way to exasperate your children. This happens when parents neglect the duties God gives them in his word about teaching their children. Permissive parents either don't care enough to discipline, or are afraid that correction and discipline will be unpleasant for their children. It may be an over reaction when, in trying to avoid cruelty, parents fail to find the proper middle ground. Parents might be mislead by so called professional experts who are not led or fed by God's word. Theories that come from our fallen hearts often say that discipline harms a child's spirit, or that the child won't like the parents if they punish them. But those fears are plainly untrue. They are contrary to God's word and real human experience. They come from the parent's own insecurities and fears, not from informed concern for the child. Permissiveness confuses that child about what is right and wrong. The Bible lays aside those objections.
Punishment isn't supposed to be pleasant. That's the whole point. It's to help the child learn that some things are not good for them. Punishments help the very young person discover and remember that there are limits to what he should do. When he doesn't yet know and understand greater dangers, the more immediate threat of punishment may keep him safe until he matures more. God assures us that, if given in love and kindness, correction proves our love to the child. That same section of Hebrews explains that godly discipline is evidence of legitimate sonship and love.
The implication is that if you are disciplined, you are a legitimate child, loved by your parents. Puritan author John Owen said, "there are too many sons that are never chastised by their fathers; which commonly ends in their ruin." Proverbs 19:18 warns,
Proverbs 29:17 says,
Both extremes of Cruelty and Permissiveness can be exasperating. Inconsistency can also be exasperating. Too many rules which can't be reasonably and consistently enforced are confusing. A few guidelines might help:
To avoid frustrating themselves, and confusing the child, parents should set clear, fair limits, and be consistent in application and example. Teach the little ones the ways of God. And, when you must chastise them do it with love, tenderly, consistently, and always without cruelty. In this same section of Colossians Paul next explains what happens if fathers exasperate their children: they become disheartened
In Ephesians 6:4 he says that this provoking of the child can lead to anger. The word for to lose heart is athumeo which means they become discouraged. Exasperating your children is more likely to turn them to anger, than to the Lord. The result of cruelty, permissiveness or inconsistency in raising our children has tragic consequences for their future lives. A truly loving and godly parent will carefully study and pray about God's instructions. He will order the home God's way and love his children enough not to exasperate them. There is the negative part of this warning: Godly parents sin against the Lord if they exasperate or discourage their children. But the positive side shows what we ought to do: Parents should guide their children and encourage them. Ephesians 6:4 ends with these words,
In our translation, the first word about good parenting is discipline. The word used here literally means: training, upbringing or instruction. It was used at that time for how instructors would school children and train them in their studies. It includes the use of authoritative correction to keep the one being trained on the right path. Preventive discipline eliminates the need for negative correction by training and guiding children with God's word and by setting a good example. Many times, the negative correction becomes necessary because positive direction has been neglected. We need to plan, and make sure we show them, the right way, rather than to deal with the wrong ways that emerge when parents neglect their duty. Biblical discipline points to a clear positive goal. It helps children learn the right way to get there, and it encourages them when they are obedient and do well. Pioneer missionary William Carey wrote,
Discipline without love is cruelty, but love without fair and godly discipline is a fraud. The second word in this translation is Instruction. The kind of instruction implied here is more direct and personal than just the giving of information. The Greek word is nouthesia from which we get the term Nouthetic. Biblical counseling that encourages right ways is called Nouthetic Counseling. It means we are willing to confront problems head on in love, encouraging and advising right attitudes and behaviors to replace the wrong ones. Biblical nurture provides good activities and builds good habits to crowd out the bad ones. With good teaching and examples to follow, there will be less rebellion and disobedience. F. F. Bruce writes,
Proverbs 22:6 is often misapplied. It says,
This verse is not a guarantee that a child trained well will always grow up obediently. It means that those good lessons from his youth will not depart from the child. He will not be able to escape their testimony. Even if he rebels, your faithful and well taught lessons will haunt him. Godly parents must encourage their children and help them grow up to be holy and happy. Parents ought to show a consistent and united effort to encourage their children in godliness. Fathers and mothers need to first of all be maturing in Christ themselves. If children grow up seeing bickering, jealousy and neglect of duty at home, they will miss out on the lesson God builds into the structure of the family. They need to learn from their fathers how Christ unselfishly loves and cares for his church. They need to learn from their mothers how the church uses its talents in humble kingdom service. They need to learn from good parenting how we help one another grow to be more holy and happy. Parents by watching their children grow are reminded about how amazing it is to learn new things that please God and how exciting it is to grow into maturity. They are reminded through the eyes of their growing children to enjoy the discovery of the things our Heavenly Father has provided for us each day. Our discipline shouldn't be cruel, neglected, or inconsistent so that Children are not discouraged as they grow into adults. It should be instructive and encouraging so that all are growing together making the quest for sanctification a family adventure. Parents should let their children know that they as well, are sinners saved by grace, and are working to promote God's glory as he forgives them and as he works in them to make them grow too. Unlike the attitude of fallen hearts, children should not be seen as things to control so they don't get in the way of our plans. And children need to understand that parents too are not obstacles in their freedom, but fellow Christians doing their job as best they can, even if its sometimes imperfect. In the Christian home, we all need to pray for one another, study and talk together about God's word. We need to worship together as a family, and as part of the body of Christ in the local church family. And we need to encourage each other too, by dying daily to sin and coming alive more and more toward holy living. This is the blessing which God has created for us, a blessing called family. It's our privilege as believers to restore its place in God's world for his glory. Another purpose for marriage is the satisfaction of our sexual drives and desires. The Bible is surprisingly open about sex. God made us and knows the strength of that drive which he put within us. He provided marriage as the proper way for that desire to be satisfied. 1 Corinthians 7
There is no question that all sexual activity outside of a biblical marriage is forbidden. There are many regulations in Scripture showing how this principle applies. Without getting into all the complexities involving couples who plan to be married but are not yet joined, sex between singles not pledged to be married, and the permission of the father for marriage, it can be simply stated that it is immoral for any sexual activity to take place between people who are not married to one another. Single people face special challenges in our present era where sexual intimacy outside of marriage is promoted in advertising, movies, music, magazines and television programs. God advises singles to be married in the Lord if they find it difficult to control their sexual desires.
The burring mentioned in this verse is that of burning desires. Those who interpret it as a threat of the eternal fires of hell take the passage far beyond its intended purpose and the actual meaning of the language. Our modern era presents pressures which make limiting sexual satisfaction to marriage alone a difficult challenge. Often, people no longer marry when they reach physical maturity. Prior to our modern era people married in their early teens reducing the time they need to refrain from satisfying those urges. The pressures of economics and the demands of expensive continuing education on into the third decade of life cause marriage to be put off far beyond the body's attainment of sexual maturity. There are expectations imposed upon marriage beyond what God requires. Prior to the modern era parents arranged marriages or were closely involved in approving them and overseeing the courting process. Modern views of romance have supplanted the original process of finding a life partner. When marriage is based purely upon emotional feelings and physical beauty, the expectations of partners becomes unrealistic and too high. They demand more than can usually be found in a partner. When imperfections are later discovered and struggles are encountered, they find that the feelings that brought them together are not strong enough to overcome the temptation to abandon their marriage vows. The ease with which a marriage can be legally terminated has increased. This not only discourages working out problems together, it also produces many formerly married people without partners who, in some cases, would be forbidden to re-marry according to biblical principles. The increase of unbiblical advice in a pluralistic society encourages ending marriages instead of going through the hard process of learning to love one another as God commands. Young people are indoctrinated in these ungodly attitudes in school, in the media, by counselors, and by friends. The examples presented in our society promote various perversions instead of satisfying sexual desires as our Creator intended and commands. Pornography has become easily available in movies which are accessible even in our homes by way of cable television, tapes and DVDs. It's hard to avoid its presence in the normal use of the internet. Homosexuality is promoted as a life style demanding to be respected and protected by law. Such perversions create confusion and temptations which undermine healthy sexual attitudes. As God's people we need to take the lead by word and example in promoting godly marriages as only way to find fulfillment for our desires while also pleasing the God who made us. Limitations upon lawful unions
marriage is for all people
the ability to give consent
Christians should marry only in the Lord
The foundation of a godly home is trust in and love for the promises and principles of God as expressed in his word. If this is not agreed upon by both partners the home will lack the most basic element for peace and blessing. For this reason the ancient Patriarchs looked to find wives for their sons from their own people rather than from the pagans among whom they often lived. In Exodus 34:16, as the Covenant people were about to enter the promised land, they were warned not to marry the pagan inhabitants so that unbelief would not be brought into their homes and lives. A similar warning was given in Deuteronomy 7:3-4,
The issue was never racial, but spiritual. Many times Israelites married other races with God's blessing. But it was always forbidden to marry outside of the covenant faith. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 shows the incompatibility of Christians with unbelievers. The failure of both parties to be in subjection to the principles God has made known would make a truly God-honoring home a hard struggle for the one believing spouse acting alone.
This principle goes beyond just marriage. It should be considered in dating situations since those relationships are often where people meet their marriage partners. It's never wise to date or to court those you are forbidden by God's law to marry. Once emotional attachments to a person develop, judgment may become easily confused regarding God's commandments. Some justify dating unbelievers as if it was a valid form of evangelism. It is not one of the means of evangelism in Scripture. Though God does sometimes sovereignly and mercifully bless even our most unwise efforts, it is contrary to the guidelines he has given us in his word. More often such attempts become tragedies for the believers involved. When Christians play at the edge of God's warnings, they ought not to be surprised when they face grievous consequences. The terminology we often use is taken from 1 Corinthians 7:39 where the issues is directly stated regarding widows who re-marry. They are to marry only in the Lord. This means they are to marry only those who are also in Christ.
Sometimes one partner in a marriage becomes a believer and the other does not. Or a Christian might violate God's law and become married to an unbeliever. In such cases the marriage is still binding and all the obligations between the partners apply. Marriage is a covenant bond. As such God sees the two as one flesh because of the oath and vow the partners have taken according to his creation ordinance. Though they may have entered into the union foolishly, or they might struggle to get along with one another, their duty remains.
If you have an unbelieving spouse, you must not send him or her away. There is great benefit to an unbeliever by union with a member of the covenant community. They are said to be holy and sanctified, which means they are set apart as special. Israel was chosen from among all of mankind to be the special people of God. This did not mean that all individual Israelites were redeemed and believed God's promises. But they were all called a holy people, set aside for a special purpose and therefore they were held to a higher set of obligations than those who remained outside of the covenant community.
Similarly God's word says that an unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believing partner. They are called holy. They are privileged by God's providence to enjoy the blessings of having a godly spouse. These blessings do not include redemption of the spouse from his sins. Salvation in this sense only comes by the work of Christ, applied by the Holy Spirit and evidenced by repentance from sin and faith in the gospel.
the laws of incest
A similar situation took place after the great flood. Noah's three sons and their wives repopulated the world. Obviously their children would have married their closest cousins, or perhaps their own siblings. There is no commandment of God recorded in Scripture which prohibited that in those early days. There came a time, in the greater expression of God's law through Moses, when God restricted marriages to those who were not related closely with one another by either blood or marriages. The Westminster Confession explains that marriage ought not be within the degree of consanguinity or affinity forbidden by God's word. The term consanguinity means a relationship by blood or kinship. Affinity means a relationship by association or by marriage. The only place where this is addressed in God's word is in the book of Leviticus, sections 18:6-23 and 20:10-21. An extensive list is given there showing the relationships that are too close to allow marriage. No sexual relationship is to be permitted with a person's own parents, his parents' other children, his own children, grand-children, uncles and aunts. This same section of the law also forbids polygamy, bestiality, homosexuality and other sexual acts which it says are serious crimes and abominations in the eyes of God. There are some areas of controversy in the churches regarding how this law is to apply to us today. It is often argued that these restrictions upon marriage are not among the creation ordinances which identify immutable and necessary moral principles derived from the nature of the Creator. Rather than appearing in every era of human history, God did not impose them until the time of Moses. As part of the civil regulations of the law they show us how to apply these revealed moral principles as guides in subsequent eras to provide an equity that is general and relates to all marriages. Some more recently adopted editions of the Westminster Confession, including the version currently recognized by the PCA and OPC, eliminate the phrase specifying the scope of forbidden affinity. The eliminated portion reads:
There are some interesting reasons offered in an attempt to explain why God imposed these regulations when he did, once the human race had diversified from the time of creation and the flood. Obviously it is not an absolute immorality to marry close relatives since it was not only condoned but commanded by God and therefore clearly not contrary to his own nature as Creator. But something in the unfolding of God's plan brought about conditions that triggered the prohibition and placed such serious warnings upon it which included serious punishments. Marriage is neither an invention of mankind nor an evolved phenomenon of human society. It is part of God's creation, instituted before the fall into sin and perpetuated throughout all of revealed history. Therefore no human government, church or individual has the authority to modify what God has commanded and forbidden in his law. return to the top of this page |
